The Great "Gods Own Country" Roadway Experience

I am a Malayalee 

(for my slightly ignorant readers, Malayalam is the language and Malayalees are people from the state of Kerala in South India)

If I were to highlight a few things Malayalees are well known for, I'd be unfair and ostracised if I didn't mention Alcohol.  I'd be disrobed if I didn't mention the Lungi. But enough has been written of our prowess in consuming distillates of high calorific value and of this colourful attire of the lower male torso. Both are legendary and we shall 'skirt' the issue.

There are the other known factors on Kerala that bring in millions of tourists  - to visit our own 'Gods Own Country' - a slogan coined to describe our state - the land of Kathakali (a form of dance with masquerade), of Ayurveda - a form or art & science of traditional healing. The Backwaters. The bedecked Elephants and drummers at temple festivals... Kerala is truly Gods Own Country.

Well, in every aspect, except ONE!

We shall delve into the exception shortly, but at the same time would state that I am convinced that it's our apparent High Literacy and a few other things that make up our state and us, the people - the unique Malayalees of Kerala.

A humorous cartoon from the internet describing the high levels of literacy in Kerala

But there is another aspect of "Malayalee existence" that we often fail to mention -  probably because it just whizzes past us - Literally.

The Malayalee Civic Sense,
(Kerala remains one of the cleaner states in India) .

However this Civic Sense that we're quite famous for and proud about - suddenly disappears the moment we get into a car, onto a road and drive!!.

We regretfully remain champions in 'our utter incomprehensible inability to observe any civic sense on the roads'.

It is completely bewildering. Put a Malayalee in a car on a road and everything suddenly goes haywire. We do not respect road rules. We do not respect other road users. We don't know what speed limits mean. We drink (..and Oh Boy do we drink!!) and drive. The only thing we notice in Diageos advertisements against drinking and driving is the Brand Diageo!!  We not only speak loudly in public on roads, we also have this terrible impossible habit of 'horning' (horning is the same as honking) while driving. And some times while not driving too!!  And we have to Horn. Horn. Horn.

On an average, every Malayalee driver in Kerala uses a horn every 7.59 seconds (measured and calibrated in great earnest by the author of this blog, but is unable to provide any scientific reference!!). Stop at an intersection. Honk. Start the car. Honk. See a friend. Honk. See a policeman. Honk. No one on the road (which is in itself a rare occurrence). HONK! a Dog on the road. Honk. A bird in the Sky. HONK. Someone else Honks. HONK. Somone else doesn't honk. HONK the list of reasons to HONK is endless. HONK.

I've over the years, been convinced that the sound pollution in Kerala on roads exceeds every other kind of pollution - all combined!!

And thereby this humble Malayalee set out to try and figure out what could causes this inexplicable paradigm shift in the civic sense of the inhabitants of Gods Own Country.

And this research, has led me to believe that we actually are a special race, in a race.

Living in Gods Own Country, Malayalees have learnt every thing about the Gods - Their opulent lifestyle. The sumptuous feasts. The gold and jewellery bedecked spouses and Elephants. The Secrets of coconut and other essential oils and jasmine flowers with their almost aphrodisiacal properties. The damsels of Kerala, with their long flowing fragrant hair - (I briefly digress remembering Al Pacinos 'Scent of a Woman') and a 'HONK' brings me back to reality - to my quest to comprehend the reasons of this cacophony.

I wonder. The Malayalees have it all. You name it. We've learnt it all.

Well, almost all.

I have realised that while they have every thing else from the Gods,  there is one thing the Malayalees of Kerala have been unable to acquire from the Gods. The ability to appear and disappear. the ability to quickly move from place to place, to teleport them selves without having to ask Scottie, to beam them up or elsewhere! (Scottie, beam me up - a phrase relating to teleportation, made famous in the famous Star Trek series)

When Malayalees travel, they travel as ordinary human beings. On pot-hole infested, narrow, winding roads with a multitude of impediments like other travelers, animated or inebriated alike, all in different modes of transport, unlike the Gods who swiftly and silently moved from scene to scene, chore to chore, place to place, enjoying the unlimited fruits offered in this glorious state of Kerala.

The Malayalees have been unable to learn this one secret from the Gods - the art of teleportation.

And thus we Malayalees, ever literate, ever inquisitive, constantly endeavour to transport ourselves as quickly as possible, to get from point A to Point Q, in as surreal "Fast and Furious-ish' manner as possible, trying to emulate the teleportation of the Gods.

And this attempt is almost 'video gamish'. (without the reset or re-start option!)

A peek into a Malayalees car and you'll find a lungi clad driver, a 'thorthe' (a handspun, discoloured thin towel draped over his shoulder - clutched firmly by the driver, virtually like an appendage that would make Linus in Charlie Brown jealous). Look further lower and you would find the drivers slipperless foot on a pedal called 'accelerator' (this foot pedal, when pressed, makes the vehicle attain higher speeds, no doubt, in a futile attempt to reach TPV ( Tele-Portation Velocity)). The Free hand of the driver would flimsily hold the steering wheel (the circular device to assist the driver to swerve left and right while attempting to navigate the pot-holes and other traffic). A closer look at the drivers steering hand, and you notice his thumb firmly glued to a button or lever or switch to one of the most important inventions within the car. 

The invention by Oliver Lucas early in 1910. 

The Electric Horn. 

While his invention may have been fitted in many cars since its invention, I have come to the conclusion that it has only been the 'Malayalee intervention' that has made people understand the true value and purpose of this electrical gadget.

Everyone probably knows that the horn operates on creating a magnetic field over the body of the horn, which makes everything inside vibrate and thus  release a loud reverberating noise, which we colloquially refer to as a HORN or a HONK. Many automobile manufacturers believed that this 'horn' and its audible noise would prevent accidents by alerting and averting unsuspecting users of the roads of an impending disaster. 

However, Malayalees, who have been living with and have had the Gods on their side, have not had to deal with such earthly disasters. They, afterall, live in Gods Own Country.

While Malayalees drive, their feet, escaping from within the confines of their lungis, presses far down on the accelerator, encouraging their vehicles to zoom through the narrowly entwined roads of Kerala, in an attempt almost attempting to obliterate all speed records.

The Gods have noticed that in this quest to go faster and attain TPV, Malayalees, moving from the slow days of the Ambassador Car, evolving through the Maruti 800, and then to the Audis, Jaguars and much faster cars today that slowly inch towards teleportation speeds, had begun to forget safety in this quest. Thus I presume the Gods have thought of the safety of the habitants of his own country,  and decided that the proverbial horn shall serve the Malayalees with another purpose.

(I also presume the Gods didn't increase the width of the roads in Kerala since they anyway planned to gift teleportation to these highly literate people of His Own Country.)

The Second purpose of a Horn in Gods Own Country, is to protect the Malayalee. But not only in the conventional method of making them aware audibly of a possible pending accident, but to act as an electromechanical device that produces a magnetic shield that, when activated by pressing either a lever or a button on a steering wheel, creates an impenetrable field which protects the vehicle and its occupants within, against any perceived disaster. 

As long as the horn is activated, the occupants are safe (from collision), though not necessarily from the noise and pollution

There are a few conditions however to enable this safety.

The driver of the vehicle must be a Malayalee wearing a lungi. 

But then I pondered, why the speed. Why this uncontrollable rage to overtake?

This I have figured to stem from the basic competitive attitude of these very literate malayalee clansmen.

Speed is essential to realise TPV. And yet the gift of Tele-portation may not be as abundantly available (just as the waters of the the Mulai Periyar Dam have shown that even in Gods own country there are shortfalls) - and thus this race to acquire TPV.

Thats why you will find every Malayalee driver bent on overtaking everything in front of it. At any cost.

"Leave no vehicle in Front" is religiously followed and practiced by every Malayalee driver.

And slowly true understanding dawns on me as I conclude

The Speed - to attain Tele-Portation Velocity (TPV).
The Overtaking - to ensure being among the first to receive fruits of this Godly virtue.
The Horn - to prevent and protect.

Ram Mohan
Banjul - The Gambia 2015 January

PS

I believe that the few or many accidents that do happen in Kerala are due to several facts
-  the drivers are not from Kerala
-  the drivers don't wear Lungis
-  and most often - the horns aren't working

HORN PLEASE OK

The above is written in pure jest of a condition that exists all over India.  I truly believe that we need to learn of Road rules and follow them. Civic sense on our roads will prevent the millions of accidents we have.