Hyde and the Beanstalk, Jacks Story.

Jacks Twisted Beanstalk Tale By RM ® 2006

(I’d think this was my first foray into trying to write (as in being a writer), albeit being nonsensical, I realize that there could be some hidden writing skills in me. To this date I live with this feeling and am sure that the real writer in me is yet to surface. Until THAT happens, I will ask readers to bear with these twisted tales.
This particular TALE was actually pulled out of me when Jack, a donkey that lives on our farm became a celebrity of sorts among friends and especially our childhood kids group (the NDA kids on a group web site). My sister wrote on the site asking me how I had acquired Jack – and this 'bit' that follows was the result of some wild thoughts – the Nun referred to is actually her, Nan-dita my sister. Further down in the story is the Vegetarian who sold me the farm – that was Nandu Rajwani, a vegetarian Radhaswami follower and millionaire from whom I actually bought the farm. The rest of the situations are imaginary and have no resemblance to anyone or any situation in this world or on Mars(in view of there being a possibility of Life and lawyers on Mars) except as stated hereafter. The hiding I refer to later in the passage, that my wife gave me and my Ass, does have some resemblance to real life hidings that I get for other domestic misdemeanors!! The tractors are real and proud Indian Mahindra tractors that exist and contrary to the tale, perform better than Jack on the farm. Ram – 2008 December)

Once upon a time, I was asked by some Nun how I acquired Jack, a retired Ass (Donkey) that lived on our farm. This was my twisted tale :-

No Bollywood Filmi plot here. Jack doesn’t turn out to be my long lost brother and No Hollywood style plots too - thus Jack doesn’t turn out to be ME in the real world (a 'la The MATRIX)..... The real story is however quite strange too (almost straight out of a very grim Fairy Tale) – It goes back to a time when we used to till land with brute animal force and bare hands. We had acquired this farm from a vegetarian friend who apparently had, decades ago, (according to a very corny story teller) planted some magic beans on this land. They told us this incredible story of how the bean stalks grew and grew high up into the sky..of how some little brat had climbed up one of the beanstalks, stolen something from someone living on the top of the beanstalk, and eventually escaped and made a lot of money and thus didn’t want to till this land anymore. That was said to have happened many many moons ago. After we bought this farm, we too planted beans, as that was all that would grow here. There was however one horrible huge beanstalk that grew right up into the sky and gave us tons and tons of beans every day. This brought the price of beans so low that we almost had to pay people to take beans from us. So in view of these dire market circumstances, we finally decided to chop the beanstalk down and take it to the market to sell. With the proceeds we decided that we would buy one of those shiny new Mahindra tractors. We were convinced that with a tractor we could quickly till all the land again and plant something else. So on the next fateful Sunday (sacrificing my Golf game), I chopped down this huge beanstalk. It was exhaustive, tiring work (but must admit it has immensely helped me with my golf swing and my game from the rough as well). I then heaved and lifted this immense beanstalk on my shoulders (this was real tough too but has helped me improve my caddying skills). I then trudged a weary way to the far away market to try and sell this burden of a beanstalk. As I plodded along to the market, a funny looking man in a funny looking hat, magically appeared, startling me. He called out to me by name and stopped me. He said that he could save me this long walk to the market. He then said" In exchange for your burden of a beanstalk, I can give you something superior to the tractor that you want to buy". I was dumbstruck as I wondered how he knew the object of my journey. He disappeared in a flash and once again magically reappeared, leading a fine looking Ass (Donkey) with a wonderful red neck-tie tied around it’s neck. I thought about his proposal - this fine Ass in exchange of my heavy burden!. He assured me that the donkey could do all the work a tractor could do and much more. He assured me that the Donkey was far more hard working, needed less fuel, made lesser noise than a tractor and more importantly was intelligent and could multiply (I didn’t imagine at that time that he was speaking Mathematically). I quickly agreed. The exchange completed, the funny man disappeared with the beanstalk tucked away under his arm. I took off, riding his Ass back to our farm.

The reception at the farm changed our lives forever. The family was immediately very upset with me, especially my wife who was looking forward to the shiny new red tractor. The verbal whipping that the both of us (Me and My Ass) got was so severe that the Donkey withdrew into a personality shell and never did any work from that day on. We named him Mr. Hyde. Thereafter Hyde neither did any work on the farm nor did he multiply. All our efforts in getting him to mate turned out in vain as Hyde was always hiding. However, in spite of his permanent absence, his braying used to be a constant reminder of his presence on the farm. Whenever we tried to call him to work he would hide. It was only years later that we realized that he actually did understand English. Thus whenever we called him by name to work, “Hyde, Hyde” he actually hid! And thus for all those years while we imagined that he did not want to work, the poor chap was obediently obeying us. It was also many years later that we realized that he knew Mathematics and could multiply and add too. The funny mans words came back to me to and trouble me to this very day - “This Ass can not only do all the work a tractor can, but he can also Multiply” he had said. But by then it was too late. Hyde lived his lonely life alone, devoid of Physics (work) and void of any Mathematics (multiplication). Years later, Hyde died a natural death. We missed him terribly. Being unable to find Hyde when he wasn’t around and not hiding, turned out to be more traumatic for us than not finding him when he was around and hiding. We preserved his red neck-tie in his remembrance. As months passed, his absence continued to haunt us at the farm. We began to miss his hidden presence so much that we decided that we had to find a replacement to fill the void in our lives. So we went to the market nearby and bought a similar looking Donkey. Our daughter liked the donkey a lot and named him Jack..... and that is how we got Jack!!! Jack now sports Hydes Neck-tie proudly.