INTERNAL CONSTANT COMBUSTION ENGINES

INTERNAL CONSTANT COMBUSTION ENGINES – 2008 DECEMBER

Below is a parody that I've written based on earlier thoughts that I've always had.

If we could develop an Engine - engineered on the model of the Human Body - into which you could put virtually any type of fuel - have separate processing chambers for each type of fuel- whether efficient or inefficient or a single processing chamber ( like a stomach) - and various exhausts (solid/liquid/gaseous etc) - a maintenance system that resembled human maintenance - and batteries that were life long - wouldn't that be the ultimate Engine? Always On - LIFE LONG Batteries and virtually ANY kind of Fuel?? IMAGINE - You're short on Fuel - pick up some leaves, dried or Fresh, or stop at a restaurant or a bar.............Of course we'dhave to build many many Travellers Output Input Leftover Exhaust Treatment ( TOILET) units .... just Imagine - No More fossil fuels ..... no more Gulf Wars.....

I'm sure a Chetan Bhagat could use both his literary skills and his experience at IIT to 'conceive' the real ultimate engine - far before GE,Ford,TATA,Rolls or NASA do so. But again, if those of us who watch FLINTSTONES understand, these engines (engines as in 'things that make other machines move' ) were used successfully in the stone ages - 4 stone wheels with a human pushing it..... and Voila! You have a Car.......hmmmmm .... as I think of it more seriously, the Rickshaw wallahs of Calcutta and the Cycle Rickshaw'karans' of Tambaram are all Engines similar to my Concept. And the Bicycle too........ !!! HEY I think Im heading down the wrong track and before I take any more credit away from my work(!!) and intellectual concepts, let me move this ahead.....

The idea of sending this to you(I did mail this to a few intellects!) is to ask for suggestions? Need I Copyright Protect the thought? Atleast the parody? It ofcourse will be included in my NEW book ( .....Dont ask me about an OLD book as I haven't written any as yet.... 'New Book' is an 'Ashwathama' kind of un-said truthful lie.... ( for those who don't know 'Ashwathama' , It was an elephant who..... er.. guess it'll be quicker easier if you read Shashi Tharoor's - 'Great Indian Novel' or Amar Chitra Kathas 'Mahabharata'. There are a few references too in a book called the Bhagwad Gita - but then we'd lose track and forget what we set out to do in the first place).

Has any one noticed how easily human beings digress from principal matters? I have spoken to a doctor recently who suggested that people could be suffering from an acute memory loss condition called some syndrome ..... I've forgotten what exactly ...but better continue with my lead story before I digress any further.......

Voila! Here's the Parody!

The Ultimate Internal Constant Combustion Engine - The Human B-Engine ( I contemplated calling it the HUMM-Engine but then realised it could be confused with the American symbol of Imperialism, War and Imposed Democracy.. thus prefer a greener name)

Built 'Indigenously' and (ingeniously too)of 100% Bio-degradable Material - Manufactured in a scientifically proven Energy Renewable - Organic Thought Induced Conception ( I'll leave a few anagrams to the reader ) process involving various Sequential Exponential Configurations(another reader's anagram required here)

ENGINE TYPE - Constant Combustion/Highly Hybrid

FUEL TYPE - Variable/Hybrid. Clean Water & Air are Essential

FUEL EFFICIENCY: Depends on factors such as type of fuel/environment/ maintenance track record, etc - though quality high distillates from the highlands of Scotland have proven to provide best efficiencies when used in moderation.

EXHAUST - Marginal Toxic Emissions containing Methane ( Disposal in public is socially frowned upon though). Solid waste Exhaust makes good Compost (Periodic Disposal Required)

CHASSIS : is Multi-part Calcium based flexi-mobile structure with Auto Regenerating Capabilities - Quite susceptible to external damage.

GENERAL MAINTENANCE & RECOMMENDED PRACTICES

Of course the opening welcome line would be 'Congratulations on procuring a new HUMAN Engine'. Before using this sophisticated equipment, please read the manual first. Please remember that you must actually teach this interactive engine to operate for the first 10-18 years. The more inputs will give you better outputs. Cleaner Inputs will give you cleaner outputs as well.

While the Chassis is seemingly weak compared to other mechanical engines and its load carrying capacity is restricted, the Neuro-intelligence central exchange unit has BRAINS (Biological Regeneration And Intelligent Nervous System) - thus intelligently uses resources to maximise efficiency (in a well tuned broken-in machine). However, if the BRAIN of the Engine is not broken in well in the first 10 years, the engine and its chassis can become very inefficient. The fuel Consumption / Intake goes up drastically and after the 40th year the Engines weight/fuel consumption (W/FC) ratio could go up very high and thus the engine could be subject to unscheduled break downs requiring intensive expensive care. At this point many users tend to resort to the use of Alcohol based fuels to overcome this high W/FC ratio. While this again may show a sudden short spurt in operational efficiency, regular adoption of alcohol based fuel use could burn the Engine gradually and it becomes all the more inefficient and dies out earlier.

This Engine needs constant but low cost maintenance.

If maintained well for the first 40 years, then maintenance required over the next 30-40 years can be very economical.

Poorly maintained machines become very expensive to maintain.

Major Maintenance Workshops or Human Off-line Service Pit-stop for Internal Technical Assessment of Logistic Systems (HOSPITALS) have become an ancillary business.

The BRAIN needs constant Maintenance Of Remote And Local Emotions ( MORALE) boosting to make them last longer. And thus most machines need constant company once they are past 18-20 years to keep their efficiency going. Thus the manufacturers included two programmes in the sales contract itself called the Welfare of Internal systems For Efficiency ( WIFE) and the Generational Induced Rectification Licence For Regenerating Internal Engine Nervous Disorders ( GIRL-FRIEND). We have seen that a well maintained WIFE program works for a life time but the GIRL FRIEND Program - while exhibiting an excellent surge during the incubation period of the program, very soon loses MORALE boosting properties and induces inefficiencies far greater than the efficiency level when the program was induced. Several machines have however successful implanted a permanent WIFE program and use several short term GIRL FRIEND programs introduced from the 40th year after intervals of 7 years each ( Called the 7 year EACH Program - In some dialects it is known as the 7 year ITCH programme!!)

SIZE : Develops /Grows into various sizes since this is a Regenerating Model - Growth Rate/Final Size depends on various factors - such as Type of Fuels and Frequency of Refuelling.

COLOUR's - Depends on inherent colours of the Sequential Exponential Partners in the Manufacturing Process. Turns out in a multitude of pastel shades from Pale White to Dark Black ( A disturbing trend where manufacturers and users in certain parts of the world were only accepting certain colours of engines has in the recent past been legally banned and hence there has been more integration programs and interesting colours being turned out. Latest News has it that the White house in the US has recently installed a Black Engine for the first time.

GUARANTEE : Life of the Engine - 50-80 years ( Subject to Accepting all Pre-conditions)

Efficient Operational Years - 40 years( under Test Conditions)

If Maintained Well - 50-60 years -

If Maintained Very Well (over 100 years)

RECYCLING WARNING- Modern Technologies have introduced a recycling program which overhauls the engines - with use of Plastics and this is not recommended by manufacturers - Several Illegitimate HOSPITALS tried selling re-cycled WIFE and GIRLFRIEND programmes for old engines, but we have not heard of any success here.

DISPOSAL OF ENGINES :- The Engines are 100% bio degradable and modern practices suggest incineration - however various practices are followed.